The 1st Law of Nature…
Self-preservation (sĕlf'-prĕz'ər-vā'shən)
n.
1. Protection of oneself from harm or destruction.
2. The instinct for individual preservation; the innate desire to stay alive.
Self-preservation – the first law of nature. The term describes both the set of behaviors by which people make an effort to preserve their own being and the psychical processes that establish these behaviors.
Over the weekend, a friend and I had a pretty deep conversation about self-preservation and how it relates to relationships. His view is that even in a relationship as deep as marriage, we still need to protect ourselves. While I was listening to him speak, I was very intrigued by what he was saying. At that time, I realized that I had kicked into self-preservation mode.
He’s not the only man to believe this. It could be the thing, besides greed, that drives people to cheat. In my case, self-preservation is what keeps me single. I’m sure that statement confuses a lot of people, but hear me out…
I’ve been in quite a few relationships. I was even married for four years. Each one of my relationships ended with me being hurt. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and didn’t have anything to do with the demise of the relationships. I’m simply saying that at the end, I was hurt.
The main problem has been that the men I’ve dealt with have been in the business of ‘talking’ and not in the business of ‘showing’. I can’t blame them because I fell for it. No one can do anything to me that I don’t allow them to do. So after so many times of allowing myself to fall for their ‘talking’, I decided to put a stop to it all together. I figured that if I stopped falling, I’d remain steady on my feet without disappointment. In other words, just let all of the ‘talk’ go in one ear and right out the other.
My last relationship was long distance. This is where I began to see a change in myself. When the relationship ended, I didn’t shed a tear. I wasn’t upset. I didn’t dwell on what happened. The only thing I wanted to do was to move on, live my life, and be happy. This was not normal for me. I am used to going through each stage of grief and then taking time to get it back in the swing of things. It didn’t happen this time.
Looking back, I realize that I put walls up so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Since we were in a long distance relationship, I was able to concentrate on myself and what I needed to live my life. I didn’t have him there every day to remind me that I was in a relationship and that he needed attention too. I was intentionally ‘emotionally distant’ so that I wouldn’t be hurt. All of this was my way of protecting myself.
As much as I tried not to, I had allowed my past relationships and the pain that they caused me to haunt this relationship. Subconsciously, I believed that all men were the same. Even though I know this is not true, I allowed it to remain in the back of my mind throughout the entire relationship.
Now, back to my friend…
He and I were in a relationship when we were kids. They say that you will always have that one that you will never forget. For me, he’s that person. But for some reason, when I saw him face to face, I was once again ‘emotionally distant’. At that time, I had the chance to say everything that I wanted to say over the years, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say, ‘I’ve missed you so much. You mean the world to me and you always have.’ I couldn’t tell him how I’ve missed our conversations and hanging out with him. More importantly, I couldn’t even tell him that I missed our friendship. For once in my life, I was quiet. I just sat there and listened as he told me everything that he has wanted to tell me for the past few years.
I can try to rationalize all of this in my mind, but it comes down to the fact that I refuse to be let down again. Self-preservation. The walls that I’ve built up are going to be hard to knock down, but when I’m ready I’ll allow someone to love me. When everything is right inside of me, I will be able to love again. For now, I’m going to stick to a regimen that includes a lot of introspect and even more prayer. And at the end of the day, God will send my person to me and the walls will come tumbling down.
n.
1. Protection of oneself from harm or destruction.
2. The instinct for individual preservation; the innate desire to stay alive.
Self-preservation – the first law of nature. The term describes both the set of behaviors by which people make an effort to preserve their own being and the psychical processes that establish these behaviors.
Over the weekend, a friend and I had a pretty deep conversation about self-preservation and how it relates to relationships. His view is that even in a relationship as deep as marriage, we still need to protect ourselves. While I was listening to him speak, I was very intrigued by what he was saying. At that time, I realized that I had kicked into self-preservation mode.
He’s not the only man to believe this. It could be the thing, besides greed, that drives people to cheat. In my case, self-preservation is what keeps me single. I’m sure that statement confuses a lot of people, but hear me out…
I’ve been in quite a few relationships. I was even married for four years. Each one of my relationships ended with me being hurt. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and didn’t have anything to do with the demise of the relationships. I’m simply saying that at the end, I was hurt.
The main problem has been that the men I’ve dealt with have been in the business of ‘talking’ and not in the business of ‘showing’. I can’t blame them because I fell for it. No one can do anything to me that I don’t allow them to do. So after so many times of allowing myself to fall for their ‘talking’, I decided to put a stop to it all together. I figured that if I stopped falling, I’d remain steady on my feet without disappointment. In other words, just let all of the ‘talk’ go in one ear and right out the other.
My last relationship was long distance. This is where I began to see a change in myself. When the relationship ended, I didn’t shed a tear. I wasn’t upset. I didn’t dwell on what happened. The only thing I wanted to do was to move on, live my life, and be happy. This was not normal for me. I am used to going through each stage of grief and then taking time to get it back in the swing of things. It didn’t happen this time.
Looking back, I realize that I put walls up so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Since we were in a long distance relationship, I was able to concentrate on myself and what I needed to live my life. I didn’t have him there every day to remind me that I was in a relationship and that he needed attention too. I was intentionally ‘emotionally distant’ so that I wouldn’t be hurt. All of this was my way of protecting myself.
As much as I tried not to, I had allowed my past relationships and the pain that they caused me to haunt this relationship. Subconsciously, I believed that all men were the same. Even though I know this is not true, I allowed it to remain in the back of my mind throughout the entire relationship.
Now, back to my friend…
He and I were in a relationship when we were kids. They say that you will always have that one that you will never forget. For me, he’s that person. But for some reason, when I saw him face to face, I was once again ‘emotionally distant’. At that time, I had the chance to say everything that I wanted to say over the years, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say, ‘I’ve missed you so much. You mean the world to me and you always have.’ I couldn’t tell him how I’ve missed our conversations and hanging out with him. More importantly, I couldn’t even tell him that I missed our friendship. For once in my life, I was quiet. I just sat there and listened as he told me everything that he has wanted to tell me for the past few years.
I can try to rationalize all of this in my mind, but it comes down to the fact that I refuse to be let down again. Self-preservation. The walls that I’ve built up are going to be hard to knock down, but when I’m ready I’ll allow someone to love me. When everything is right inside of me, I will be able to love again. For now, I’m going to stick to a regimen that includes a lot of introspect and even more prayer. And at the end of the day, God will send my person to me and the walls will come tumbling down.
2 comments
Wow...I totally feel where you are coming from. I've got plenty of walls up. At some point I know I have to deal with them but as you said, when the time is right they will come tumbling down. I don't want to become that 'Bag Lady' that E. Badu sings about but I refuse to allow myself to get hurt again.
REPLYUnfortunately, becoming the 'bag lady' is inevitable for some of us. I'd rather build up walls so that I don't have the bags. I'll live in my own world an lock everything outside of the walls out of my life. I've done it before. I'm not saying that's the best solution. I'm just saying it's what I do.
REPLYLet's hear your thoughts...