Run, Girl! He's a Mama's Boy...

Posted by Erin Brown on Wednesday, April 13, 2011 in 2011, advice, blog, break up, dating, dilemma, drama, family, grown woman, honesty, life, love, mama's boys, misery, relationships, rules, truth, women of strength,

ma·ma's boy: (mämz)  n. a term for a man who is excessively attached to his mother at an age when men are expected to be independent (e.g. live on their own, control their own finances, make choices for themselves, date, get married, etc.).  A mama's boy may be effeminate or be perceived as being macho.  In any case, a mama's boy cannot maintain a healthy partnership with a woman.

I’ve had a few relationships with mama’s boys.  They didn’t last.  The pattern I saw was that everything in our relationship was perfect…until mama realized that I could possibly pose a serious threat by being with her son and her son realized that I was a real woman that refused to be downgraded to just an option when I should be made a priority in his life.   When I say that I posed a threat, I don’t mean that I was going to harm anyone in any way, shape or form.  I mean that I could be the woman in his life to take him away from her. 

I have a son.  The one thing I will NEVER do is to create a monster by turning him into a mama’s boy.  It seems as though women who have this type of boy have raised them to be a surrogate husband.  Not in a sexual sense, but in the sense that he is the man in her life and must be by her side at all times.  If he’s not by her side, she must know where he is and be involved in some way.  Pretty sick, isn't it?  It’s just not healthy.  I understand that boys usually gravitate toward their mothers, but there is a line that needs to be drawn.

The mama’s boys that I’ve been with have elevated the Oedipus Complex theory to an entirely new level.  Since I’ve been there and done that with the mama’s boys, I can offer a few commonalities that I’ve found to be present in the mama’s boys that I’ve dated.  (I have checked with other women who have been with mama’s boys and they agree with these points.)

He talks to mama every single day – When you see that he and his mama have daily conversations a few times per day and act like they’re Joan, Lynn, Toni, and Mya on an episode of Girlfriends, PACK YOUR EMOTIONS AND THE REST OF YOUR BELONGINGS AND RUN!  Run as far, and as fast, as you can.  It’s scary that a man would want to gossip with his mother on the telephone more than one time per day.  Most men don’t even like to talk on the phone.  Some women may wonder if he has homosexual or down-low tendencies. But what’s even scarier is the fact that when anything happens in his life, significant or not, the first woman he will call is mama, not you.

Mama is the deciding factor in most of his decisions – I have seen this one more than enough times to count.  Before he buys a car, pays a bill, or even takes you out on a date, he gets input from mama.  If the two of you have a disagreement, he will call mama, tell her the details, and ask for her advice.  The sad part about this behavior is that mama’s advice is usually taken verbatim and is as holy as the King James Version of the Bible. And trust me on this, the advice she gives will not be in your favor.  Just run…that’s all I can say.  Trying to combat mama’s advice with logical advice will only make things worse…so just run the other way.

He talks about mama all the time – In my experience, there wasn’t a conversation that went by without at least two mama references per hour.  It may have been harmless in his eyes, but my point is that mama references are a big, red, flashing sign.  I always heard, “My mom always tells me…” or “When my mother and I went to…”.  If you’ve made it to this point in the post, you’ve been reading long enough to know what I’m about to say next.  Lace up your Nikes, find the nearest exit and RUN!

He tells mama private your private business – I’ve had this happen to me and it frustrated me to the point of borderline madness.  There is no need for my man’s mama to know the type of panties I wear or the type of birth control I use.  Trust me, when it’s brought up by mama at a family dinner in front of everyone, it will embarrass you.  She and her son may not think anything of it, but you will be left wondering what other personal information he’s shared with her.  Save yourself the drama…JUST RUN!

When mama says, ‘Jump!’ that’s exactly what he does – This is probably the most hurtful of all of the warning signs.  At least it was for me.  Say you have plans with your man that you have been looking forward to for quite some time.  You’re dressed and ready to go.  All of a sudden mama calls and says she needs son to take her to do something.  Most men would just tell mama that he has plans and that he’ll do it later.  NOOOO, not the mama’s boy!  Know this from the beginning – you will not be going on that date.  Mama comes first and he’d rather disappoint you than mama. So like I’ve said so many times before…JUST RUN!

He doesn’t defend you when mama starts talking trash – Mark my words on this:  There will be a time when mama decides to come out of her mouth a little sideways.  She may be blunt enough to just trash you or she may be the sneaky kind of mama that will throw little hints out there in order to brainwash her son into believing you are not the one for him.  A real man will defend you in these situations, but a mama’s boy is going to think about what his mama has said because ‘mama knows best’.  Ladies, it’s a battle that you won’t win.  That’s mama’s baby and she carried him for 15 months, went through 7 days and 20 minutes of labor just to have him.  He will feel obligated to listen to mama.  Don’t try…just RUN!

He lives with mama – I put this one last, but it should be first on the list.  If a 30-something year old man still lives with his mama there is a problem.  Unless she needs constant care or someone to help her on a daily basis, your man should have his own home.  Can you imagine wanting to have a quiet night watching a movie with your man at his house and his mama comes downstairs, turns on the light and starts a conversation?  What if he lives out of town and you are supposed to visit him for the weekend?  Are you going to stay at his mama’s house?  I don’t think so.  It’s unacceptable in my book.  Not all mama’s boys live with mama and vice versa, but I can tell you from experience, the ones that do live with mama are the worst ones.  Those are the ones that will NEVER leave mama and if things do progress to marriage with him, he will expect you to treat him like mama treats him.  My advice:  RUN and find a man that is just as independent as you...preferably one with his own home.
 
After being in the situation, I realized that mama’s boys will never have a healthy relationship with any woman, including mama.  Mama will tell him that you will hurt him, but she never will.  She will do and say everything she can to make him believe that you are not good enough for him.  There is a very strong possibility that he will believe the trash that she is throwing at him.  Do not blame yourself when the relationship ends.  It’s not your fault. I’m almost inclined to say that it’s not his fault, but he’s a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his actions.

At the end of the day it comes down to two things: 
  

1.  You are worth being a priority and not an option.  

2.  A real man will be the man that he wants to be and that YOU need him to be...not the man mama is lacking in her life.

Know your worth, ladies.  There is a REAL MAN out there waiting to meet you and he is NOT a mama’s boy.