May Peace be Within My Heart

Posted by Erin Brown on Sunday, December 21, 2008 in

Anger still consumes me even though he is gone.  I admit that it’s wrong of me to feel this way, but it’s something that I can’t help.  Forgiveness is in sight, but only time can help me to get to that point.  

My grandfather came into our lives about 12 years ago. It’s a common story.  He was a married man that stepped out on his wife and family and produced a child.  He never had any dealings with my father as a child and left my grandmother to raise a son by herself without any help.  Fortunately, my grandmother was, and still is, a very strong woman and was able to handle the situation.

Fast-forward to about 1996.  I was out to sea and called home to check on my family.  My father tells me that he finally got in touch with his father.  I was happy for him, but by that time I was an adult.  I felt that the time had passed for me to be a granddaughter to someone that I didn’t know and who didn’t know me.  He asked me to call and just introduce myself.  I did so out of respect for my dad...not because I was ready and willing to meet another side of the family that had been non-existent for my entire life.

Over time I grew to love Pappy and his wife Marie, but I was still angry.  How could this man not have loved my father enough to find him and try to make amends?  How could he have left my grandmother to raise their son alone?  Why didn’t he tell her the truth?  How could he have denied my brother and I the same experience with him as he had with his other grandchildren?  These questions ran through my mind constantly, but I figured that my father had forgiven him, so I should at least try to do the same.  It was just harder for me.  I’ve never fully forgiven him for his actions, or lack thereof.

This past Thanksgiving we tried to go and visit that side of the family, but Pappy was not feeling very well.  He had been going through dialysis for the past 4 years and had been in and out of the hospital.  A few weeks later, I was on the phone with my parents and Pappy called my dad.  That was not something that typically happened.  Because he was sick most of the time, he usually had Grandma Marie call.  It was pretty late in the evening and my parents were even surprised that it was him on the line.  My dad said that he sounded really good and that they had a great conversation.  The next day, Pappy died.  

I never got a chance to sit down with Pappy and ask him the questions that still run through my mind.  I’ll never be able to ask him why or even have those deep conversations that I used to have with my other grandfather...the only grandfather that I’ve ever known. 

I understand that he was a different man than when my father was conceived, but it’s hard to let go of how things happened.  I think that I’m just being very protective of my father.  Another part of me thinks that I’m angry because I see the same thing in my child’s dad.  Maybe I’m taking the anger that I feel toward him out on my grandfather. 

The man that I did get to know was a good man.  He was the prime example of what a man should be.  He was loved and adored by his friends, family and the community.  All I know now is that I have to pray that I can have peace in my heart.  With Pappy’s death I have to let all of the negative feelings go and move on.  Our time has passed and although I may not have known him very well, I do know that I am blessed to have known him at all.

R.I.P. Leon ‘Pappy’ Johnson