Is He a ‘Toxic Man’ or Are YOU the Issue?
I'm currently reading this book called ‘Toxic Men: 10 Ways to Identify, Deal With, and Heal From the Men Who Make Your Life Miserable’ by Dr. Lillian Glass (don’t judge me...I really just like reading about this stuff). She is a world renowned expert on body language and has also written books on toxic people, toxic relationships, body language and how to tell if people are lying. She’s been on many shows as an expert and I have to say that in my opinion, this woman knows her stuff.
Dr. Glass says there are 3 things that define a toxic man. He:
- Elicits negative emotions from you
- Behaves badly towards you or doesn't treat you right
- Makes you feel poorly about yourself, thereby affecting your behavior and your self-esteem
To be fair, she explains that a toxic man is not only a spouse, lover or boyfriend, but that’s the primary focus of the book. She says that he can be any male in your life, including a family member, doctor, boss, etc. (Apparently, having a toxic boss is pretty common.) And interestingly enough, a man that may be toxic to you may not be toxic to another woman. That’s understandable since everyone is different and has different tolerance levels.
For some reason, we tend to think that rich people, celebrities and beautiful people are immune to having relationship trouble. We think that no one would be silly enough to screw something up with someone as beautiful Halle Berry or as rich as Elizabeth Taylor (for those of you that don’t know, Taylor was married eight times). Dr. Glass explains that toxic men can be present in anyone’s life regardless of socioeconomic status, celebrity status, race, color, religion, weight, looks, etc.
Eleven types of toxic men are identified in the book. She describes their voice, speech patterns, facial expressions and body language. I think this is why I like the book so much. She gives you the information you need in order to identify these men and to understand who is not right for you. Ironically, there is only one type of good man, who she calls ‘The Real Deal’.
But even after reading all of this information, I have some questions. My questions are:
Is it really fair to label these men as 'toxic' when it seems to me that these characteristics could describe anyone, male or female, at any given time? We all have our off days and I know for me, on those days, I’m capable of doing all three of the listed items that define a toxic man. I usually let people know to approach me at their own risk.
If YOU are the one feeling so miserable, is it possible that the issue lies within you? I'm confused about this. My belief is that no one can do anything to you that you don’t allow them to do. So how can someone MAKE you feel poorly about yourself? That seems like a self-esteem problem to me. It also seems like she’s describing someone that is co-dependent. (If you think you may have an issue with co-dependency, be sure to check out Co-Dependents Anonymous for information on how to get help.)
After thinking about it, to me, it all comes down to your reaction to the negative situation. You can (a) dwell on it and make yourself, and others, miserable or (b) let it go and move on to a healthier relationship. With either option, I suggest working on your self-esteem and learning to love yourself.
I always say ‘Without a ME, there can’t be a WE’. Understand that everything originates from within. You have to love and respect yourself before you can expect anyone love and respect you. Once that happens, you’re on the road to happiness.
