The R.E.A.L. Thing

The R.E.A.L. Thing

Posted by Erin Brown on Saturday, May 14, 2011 in 2011, fake people, friends, Jill Scott, real,

REAL  /ˈrē(ə)l/  (adj.): 

• Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious
• Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name
• Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation

How many times per day do you hear people boast about how 'real' they are and how they are probably more “real” than anyone you’ve ever met?  They are the same people that tell you to ‘keep it real’ or ‘keep it 100’.  I don’t know about you, but I hear it all the time.  People are always so quick to talk about being real, but extremely slow to show it. 

I’ll admit, my expectations are a little high.  I’m working on that.  I expect people to be real and to be themselves just as I am going to do.  I don’t want to kick it with your ‘representative’.  I just want you to be you.  I want you to be a true friend, hang out, have a good time and give me honest advice...all without an ulterior motive.  Is that so much to ask?

Because I have met so many fake people, I am very hesitant to trust anyone.  It takes a while to get me to open up.  It’s not something that I like, but it’s the truth.  This is the reason why my circle of friends is so small.  My real friends are people that I’ve been friends with for YEARS.  Everyone else is an acquaintance.  I can tell you this much...if I haven’t learned anything in my life, I have learned this:

When people have to tell you numerous times how ‘real’ they are, you can pretty much bet that the word REAL is an acronym for:

Remember Everyone Ain’t Loyal

Honestly, I’m going to need people to start showing me how ‘real’ they can be.  Actions speak so much louder than words.  When people show me who they are, I believe them. Words don’t mean anything to me because, unfortunately, everyone’s word is not their bond.  Do us all a favor and stop talking about it. Make an effort to be about it and in turn I will give you my trust and friendship.

The Real Thing Lyrics:

You gotta do right by me, its mandatory baby

Sweeter than your favorite ice cream be, bask in my glory baby

Don't play no games, that'll ruin thangs

And make me leave one the street and you don't want that

Don't hesitate, I could make you great

Like Cleopatra Jones I could set you straight 

[Chorus:]

I'm the real thing, in stereo

I got a little highs, I got a little lows

Follow this, melodic flow

I could make it shine, I could make it glow

[Repeat x2]

I'm more than a toy for your satisfaction

I'm a pay-per-view on your TV screen, your main attraction

Your phosphorus, I'm your energy

When your lost and you need some focus come see me

I'll entice ya mind, I do it all the time

In the mornin', in the evenin', when the doves cry

I can feed you gut, put you in a tub

When I turn it up, yeah brotha you know what's up

A little bubbles and a body rub, turn off the water (drip drip)

Don't think about dessert, I got enough

And a whole lot more to give 

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Could I Have Fallen for a Sociopath?

Could I Have Fallen for a Sociopath?

Posted by Erin Brown on Wednesday, April 20, 2011 in 2011, character, dating, drama, emotions, epiphany, fake people, liars, life, love, realization, relationships, sociopath, truth,

I was talking with a few friends and as usual we were discussing men and relationships.  As I was listening to some of their stories, something struck me - the men that we were discussing had some, if not all, of the characteristics of sociopaths.  Scary!  What’s even scarier is that psychologists estimate that approximately 1-4% of the population can be classified as sociopaths!  That equates to millions of people.  In essence, every time you interact with people, it’s possible that you are in contact with a sociopath.

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so·ci·o·path/ˈsōsēōˌpaTH/: (n.) A person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.  These individuals have little regard for the feelings of others and manipulate others in order to get what they desire.

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The important term in the definition of a sociopath is ‘antisocial’.  When we think of antisocial people, we tend to think of the introvert that doesn’t really associate with many people.  In this case, antisocial means ‘of or pertaining to a pattern of behavior in which social norms and the rights of others are persistently violated’.

There are many traits that sociopaths display, but I’ve decided to list a few of them that were a common theme in the men that my friends and I have dated.  It’s important to note that a lot of people have one or even a few of these characteristics and can be considered normal. According to the books that I have read, sociopaths have most, if not all, of these characteristics...plus many more. (Men, please understand that these characteristics apply to women also.  Sociopaths are not gender specific.  For the purpose of this post, I am referring to the male sociopath.)

Mr. Charming and/or Mr. Charismatic - He’s one heck of a smooth talker and will always have an answer to any question you may ask.  He seems to lead a very exciting life. That’s usually what attracts us to him.  Don’t buy into it.  It’s all a facade.  He is extremely manipulative and is using you for his own enjoyment  which entails humiliating you.

Mr. Egomaniac - This guy will act like the best thing since the invention of the relaxer!  He may claim to be smart, rich or the most successful person that you will ever know and doesn’t have an issue flaunting it.  Once again...a facade.

Mr. Attentive -  What more could a woman ask for than a man that is willing to call, text and/or email constantly just to let her know that she is on his mind? And what about when he wants to spend time with her and compliment her all the time just to make her happy? It’s all about communication and strengthening the relationship, right?  WRONG!  In reality he resents time you spend with your family and friends and wants to be in constant contact with you so he can gain your trust and take control. The compliments are futile.  His main goal is to make you into a willing victim. 

Mr. Jekyll and Hyde Personality - One minute he loves you; the next minute he hates you. As a sociopath, his personality and demeanor can change with the blink of an eye.  He may also become agitated when you try to get to know more about him.  Just watch for the signs. 

Mr. Gimme Your Sympathy - Sociopaths can figure out what will make you feel bad for them. He wants you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.  If he’s really a nut he may have all of these things at once!  Don’t fall for it.

Mr. It Ain’t My Fault - If you let him tell it, he has never done anything wrong in any situation and the excuse he gives you will always be a good one.  They will always have a lot of details, too.  It’s always the ex’s fault or someone else’s fault for his circumstances. He will always be the victim. Don’t feel bad for him.  He’s trying to turn you into his next victim by appealing to your emotions.  He wants you to feel sorry for him.  

Mr. Liar, Liar...Pants on Fire -  I like to call this man The Lyin’ King.  You ask him questions.  He gives you answers...very vague answers. He’s going to tell you the most outrageous lies that he can create in his crazy mind. Unfortunately, they are so far gone they don’t realize that telling the truth is a better option. These men lie so well that they are able to pass lie detector tests.

Mr. Speed Racer - Ever met a guy that you talked to and after the third week of knowing you they profess their love and tell you that you are soul mates? How about the man who wants to get married two weeks after you exchange numbers?  Ladies, I know most of us want to be in love, but this is not the guy for you.  He’s playing you.  Don’t fall for it.

Mr. Emotionless - Remember, this man is very convincing.  He will show you warmth, joy, love and compassion, but it all serves an ulterior motive.  He is incapable of feeling emotion, including remorse.  He may become outraged by insignificant things, but will show no emotion during times when a normal person would be upset.  He is unable to empathize with the pain that he is causing you and will continue to take advantage of you because that’s what he does.  He is oblivious and/or indifferent to the devastation that he is causing in your life.  It won’t matter anyway.  He’s not going to accept responsibility for his actions and will most likely blame you for everything that’s happening. In fact, in his deranged mind,  he’s going to rationalize the pain that he inflicts upon you.  He does, however, need your love, respect, and gratitude in order to justify everything he is doing to you. 

Mr. Narcissist - This man is into himself and no one else. Everything he does is for himself. It is common for sociopaths to constantly state their unrealistic goals, such as taking over the world. With that alone, you should know something is wrong with him.

Have I dealt with a sociopath?  If I gauge the men that I've dated against the definition of a sociopath, yes, I'm pretty certain that I've dated a few.  I can say that I’ve been with at least two men that had all 10 of these traits.  I’m sure that some men who are reading this have come into contact with women that display the same traits.  The point is that we won’t know until we educate ourselves and decide to open our eyes to the behavior that our partner is showing us.  Like my grandmother always says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”! It's a hard thing to do since love is blind, but it's doable.

I’m sure we’ve all met at least one of these crazy fools. The 10 men that I listed may seem harmless as listed individually, but when you add other traits to them, it’s actually pretty serious situation.  When you find a man that has more than a few of these characteristics, it’s possible that you are dealing with a sociopath.  You have the choice to stay, but that’s where your love for self needs to kick in. That’s when you need to move into self-preservation mode and leave the situation.  

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Have You Dated This Guy? I Have...

Have You Dated This Guy? I Have...

Posted by Erin Brown on Sunday, April 17, 2011 in 2011, advice, blog, cheaters, dating, fake people, inspiration, introspect, life, love, motivation, relationships, self-esteem, self-worth, strong woman,

‘The moment you settle for less than you deserve is the moment you deserve exactly what you settled for.’

The other night while reading through random blogs online, I stumbled upon a blog about relationships. I began to read it and instantly fell in love!  I struck ‘relationship information gold’ when I discovered the Baggage Reclaim.  It’s a blog written by a woman and I can tell you that Natalie Lue is on point with her evaluations of situations and the advice she provides.

The first post I read was about people that she has affectionately dubbed ‘assclowns’.  I LOVE it!  It’s such a fitting name for these folks.  In this post she gives you the information that you need to discover if you are involved with an ‘assclown’.
 

You’re probably wondering what an ‘assclown’ is, right?  Natalie provides a pretty in-depth definition.  She says:

‘‘An assclown is someone that mistreats you and more often than not eventually proves to be a waste of time and space. He (or she) adds little or no value to the relationship and the cost to you of being with him is often your self-esteem, your well-being, and for some, your career, family, or friends. They only have one foot or possibly even a toe in the relationship, or even nothing at all, and they knowingly (even if they deny it) mess you around and enjoy the fringe benefits of being with you (ego stroking, sex, a reliable shoulder to lean on, money etc) even though they don’t actually want you or have no intentions of ever giving you the relationship that you want. Often mixed in with Mr Unavailables, while some Mr Unavailables are assclowns, because they actively and knowingly seek to mistreat, exploit, and abuse people they’re involved with, all assclowns are ‘unavailable’, are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies, and don’t mean anyone that they become involved with any good and veer between at best being users and at worst, being very dangerous.’

After reading her description, I realized that I have dated this guy...over, and over, and over, and over!  Sad, but true.  I’ve also been with ‘Mr. Unavailable‘.  (Take note that Mama’s Boys are listed and fall under the Mr. Unavailable category.)

Ladies, we need to do much better.  The solution I’m offering is for you to take a step back and look at your part in attracting these men.  Are you attracted to them because you think you can fix or change them?  Are they a reflection of your true inner-self?  Self-evaluation should definitely be the at the top of your priority list if you are a woman that is constantly in a relationship with ‘Mr. Unavailable’ or an assclown.  

We owe it to ourselves to love ourselves more than we love these men that are not capable of loving or treating us in the manner in which we deserve.  We know they don’t deserve us, but at the end of the day the only person that can make the decision to take action is you.  Just remember that no one can do anything to you that you don’t allow them to do.  We can’t continue to place the blame on men when they treat us badly and disrespect us.  It’s what we allowed them to do.  

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The Stench of Phoniness is in the Air...

The Stench of Phoniness is in the Air...

Posted by Erin Brown on Thursday, February 11, 2010 in fake people,

Today I'm feeling just a tad bit pessimistic about people. Not one person in particular, but people in general. For some reason, I have this idealistic view that everyone is as transparent as I tend to be. I put everything out there and you can either love me or hate me. I have a million thoughts flowing through my head at any given point of the day and I am not afraid to share them. I choose to be honest with people. Sometimes it hurts, but my honesty is something that I'm not willing to compromise. Sometimes the truth hurts and we just need to put on our big girl panties and say OUCH.


I'm not upset that people may not put everything out there. I think that it bothers me that people have bad intentions. If I know this about people, why does it upset me? My main issue is that folks send a 'representative' to meet you before they allow you to meet the real person. Who has time for that? I, for one, don't have the time, energy, or patience to concoct a different persona. I wouldn't be able to keep up with it. But if you look deeper, it makes me question what is really wrong with the real person. If you don't even want to be yourself, why would other people want to be around you? It's just food for thought...

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